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British Jokes

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”

“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”


There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!


An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”


What’s the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.


A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?

He was already dead!


Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
“Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”


What kind of ears does an engine have?  Engineers


What’s green and look’s like a bucket?

A green bucket!


A mother’s advice to her daughter about choosing the right man:

1. You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.

2. You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.

3. You need a man who can make you laugh.

4. You need to make absolutely sure that these four men never meet!